The Radish Endorses Joe Biden
November 3, 2020
At The Radish, it has always been our goal to indoctrinate Radnor students and use the publication to advance our political agenda. Thus, we’ve developed a comprehensive list for why you, the undecided youth voter at a government funded public high school, should vote Joe Biden for president this November 3rd.
We Really Don’t Like Donald Trump
That’s about all we have for this one. We tried to make this sentiment as explicit as possible with the multiple articles we published in recent weeks that criticized President Trump for basically anything. We really wish we could say that this point is based on something substantial, like disastrous public policy, racism, misogyny, or xenophobia, but we couldn’t find anything of that nature. President Trump is one of those people you just kind of don’t like, you know?
We’re Pandering Towards Our Audience
The comments don’t lie: our readers have loved our recent articles. The feedback has been overwhelmingly positive, as people continue to thank us for writing insightful critiques of the Republican Party. To express our gratitude, we wanted to publish an additional article that caters to our shared Democratic support. We know that all of the Radnor students and parents who click on this article will appreciate that we’re motivating people to get out and vote blue this November. We also hope that appealing to our liberal base will produce positive ratings and make our boss, an influential donor to the Democratic party, happy with our work.
We’ve Been Brainwashed by the Democratic Establishment
I think it’s time we come clean on this one. We at The Radish are hopelessly left-leaning and liberally biased. Despite how hard we try, everything we publish on our website turns out anti-Trump or pro-Biden. Last week, for example, we attempted to write a scathing critique of the Democratic party’s mismanagement of the Covid-19 pandemic. We spelled it out in clear terms: the Democrats opposed mask mandates, social distancing, and lockdowns. And then we realized that we were actually thinking of the wrong party. We’ll try again later, maybe with an article praising the GOP’s support of the Black Lives Matter movement.
We’d like to take this opportunity to remind you one final time to vote for Joe Biden and every single Democratic candidate for the Senate at the polls today. We actually have a quota for the amount of political messaging we include in our articles, so we’ll say that again. We’d like to take this opportunity to remind you one final time to vote for Joe Biden and every single Democratic candidate for the Senate at the polls today. In fact, we suggest that you don’t even read the name of the candidate you’re voting for, as long as they have the little (D) next to it. If you trust us, don’t go research the candidates and what they stand for after reading this article. Take our word as the final judgment on all things politics, and go forth with confidence knowing that you have been influenced by the greatest left-wing propaganda machine in the world: The Radish.
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Satire? All I’m reading here lately are progressive-liberal positions presented to take cheap shots at conservative candidates and values under the guise of being satire. Classic passive-aggressive moves. It’s not humor and sows division within the student body. Maybe Radnorite staff can do the Radnor High School Community a solid and find something funny that’s non-political to write about. Who knows, could even serve to unite the student body instead of divide them.
Great article and I love your humor.
With regards to the “Anonymous” comment that didn’t have the courage to leave their name: Divisiveness was the ploy and strategy used by the Republicans and especially by our current and, some would say, illegitimate POTUS – Trea45on.
Progressivism and Liberalism are the way forward for society and humanity in general. We are not living in some biblical recreation where we either adhere to the rules of the Israelites or become a forever lost and tortured Sodom and Gomorrah.
Classic passive-aggressive moves? It takes one to know one. And at least you admitted that the satire was humorous.
Humor is one of the only tools we have to deal with the debacle that has been the past 5 years. Are conservatives going to try and take humor from us as well? Have the Puritans of yore resurrected themselves and hijacked the bodies of today’s Conservatives?
If the student body is to become unified it has to understand that unity means inclusion, not exclusion. Unity means understanding and compassion, not ignorance and hatred. Unity means you put aside personal feelings and gain for the betterment of the entire group. That means throwing aside your “independent and rugged individualism” and doing your part for the group, for the whole, for society.
Universal Health Care, Universal Basic Income, Free and Subsidized education, these are all things we need to come together and make a reality for our children and their children.
So yes, I agree, let’s stop the divisiveness that conservatism and racism sow in our society. Let’s laugh at those that want to hold back our country, and humanity in general, and help them realize that their ideas are outdated and hindering progress. In the end, you can’t take your wealth with you. We are all human and we all have to sacrifice for the greater good of our brothers and sisters.
I think this is a great piece!! I’m glad Radnorite endorses Biden and can bring a little humor to the scary political world. Great job Andrew, keep it up!!!
This is very amusing, I’m not sure why people are getting so offended!! It’s obviously satire, so get over yourselves.
I like this article a lot.
Two Thumbs up!!
To the Anonymous user who disliked this article,
You complain that this article takes cheap shots at conservative candidates under the guise of satire. Well, how is that different from campaign tactics used by Donald Trump himself? Your candidate has aired many attack ads filled with slander and cheap shots. These ads are on a much more widespread forum than a satirical school newspaper. Whereas Joe Biden has not aired attack ads against Trump or spread lies about him. If you truly support unity over division, and dislike ‘cheap-shots’, then maybe you are supporting the wrong candidate, because your ideals seem to conflict with his. More likely, you are just being hypocritical and you only have a moral objection if something insulting is directed at your beliefs. I highly doubt you will see this because you don’t get notified when a new comment is posted, but as a general statement to the Radish, “Well Done!”
Tactfully-
A user who is not afraid to write their name
SO PROUD OF MY COUSIN!!!!!!! Brilliant, and stands up for what he believes in (which is, equality and justice)!!!! hyfr.
If the anonymous commenter who would like more apolitical content could send me an email that would be greatly appreciated. We will send you a MAGA prize pack (let us know the size of your hands, feet, head, and legs) for your determination to uphold the sanctity of our political and religious mission.
Also please stop making fun of my dad . He is the great man who tries to do what is best for himself and our family.