Trump Caught Pleading on His Knees at the Isfahan Nuclear Facility 

This is satire.


Payton Breck

Our favorite least racist person in the room is back at it again. Just last week, former president Donald Trump was caught sneaking into the perimeter of the Uranium Conversion Facility in Isfahan. However, he was not there to make simple amends: he was there to plead. The Radish’s investigative journalist team spotted Trump himself on his knees in front of the facility, pleading for the plant to stop producing weapons-grade Uranium. Why, you ask? Well, back in 2016, our glorious president, representing no doubtely the greatest country in the world (heck the whole universe!), made the valiant decision to fully withdraw from the Iran nuclear deal. 

The Iran nuclear deal ensured regular inspections of Iran’s production of highly enriched uranium. However, because the Trump administration pulled out of the deal, Iran was left free to produce any type of Uranium they desired (including nuclear grade Uranium enriched over 90%). In Trump fashion, he assumed that Europe would follow in his footsteps, because again, America is the leading country in all social and economic aspects (despite ranking 37th in healthcare, and 13th in quality of life). At least America has low crime rates. Oh wait, America actually ranks 23rd in highest crime rates globally. Despite all of those facts, America still has the highest GDP, because obviously the social construct of money trumps quality of life, education, happiness, suicide rates, gun violence rates and healthcare. Why be happy and healthy when you have a good economy, am I right? And while America attempts to pull itself out of a recession, Iran is producing weapons grade Uranium. 

It was even more shocking for the Trump administration to discover that actions actually have consequences. While his administration was busy suing every state that legally voted against him, hiding his multiple child sexual assault allegations, and killing the enviornment for oil, Trump was busy fuming over a negative result from his decision to leave the JCPOA. 

Trump is used to everything turning out positive for him, even his COVID test, so it is no wonder that he is upset about Iran’s decision to produce uranium. For the first time, though, his Twitter threats did not work. But instead of accepting that maybe he is a loser after all, Trump made the mature decision to complain and blame Iran, because after all, it is what he does best. Even when he was caught pleading for Iran to stop, Trump just could not refrain from yelling that the only reason he pulled out of the Nuclear Deal was because the “very corrupt” John Bolton told him to. 

The Radish reporters noticed this phenomenon and decided to reach out to Trump directly to discover his true intentions. We couldn’t reach him, but because he pardoned himself soon after withdrawing from the nuclear deal, we can assume that Trump is going through a basic case of immense regret. And apart from inspiring a coup d’état, we can conclude that the majority of his free time has been taken up by numerous visits to plead on the Isfahan Nuclear Facility’s door.