Whining Climate Activists Only Care About Keeping Snow Days 

This is satire.


Ellie Davis, Associate Editor

To The Radish Editors, 

That’s it, I’ve had it with these entitled kids. These snowflake, gen-z climate activists have taken their whining to a new level. I’ve come to understand the meaning behind all of their hullabaloo about CO2. Forget starving polar bears, mass wildfires, and hurricanes, these climate activist children only care about their snow days. But the real problem isn’t the climate, it’s the fact that this new generation is too soft and too lazy. 

These damn kids want to miss school, and they will do anything to achieve their goals. They want black ice, poor visibility, and all-around dangerous road conditions. They couldn’t care less about people dying in car crashes, so long as they get their snow days! I spend hours every large snowfall hurting my back shoveling snow, and they want my misery to continue. The self-centeredness and complete disregard for the good of humanity at the center of this “climate activism” is really what ticks me off. 

I went to one of these “sunrise movement” meetings in Philadelphia, and I am very disturbed by what I found. First of all, the kids all went around and shared their pronouns. I don’t care if Sally wants to be a “they” now. And they are mixing them! What the hell is “she, they” supposed to mean? Then, they took a whole two minutes to make an “indigenous land acknowledgment.” What are we gonna do next, acknowledge woolly mammouths and the dinosaurs? After the virtue signaling (I heard my friend Tuck say that word last night on tv), they finally got down to their planning. The leader of the group, another “them” with blue hair, shared how “In Pennsylvania, the number of days cold enough for snowfall has decreased from 120 to 89,” confirming my suspicion that all they care about is their snow days. 

Their international leader, Greta Thunberg, is the worst snowflake of all. “We cannot solve a crisis without treating it as a crisis. Our snow days must survive,” she said.  They are growing their radical movement as you read this. Slogans such as “join us in fighting for our future” from the Global Climate Strike and “our survival can’t wait” are popping up everywhere. They aren’t going to stop until we all enter another ice age! 

Another one of their common arguments is that “snow days are important for mental health.” Waaaaah waaah wahhh, again with the mental health thing! These kids are using anything as an excuse to be lazy. Back in the good old days, if you had depression, you would do everyone a favor and keep it to yourself. 

This group has even gone militant, and I suspect that they are partnering with ANTIFA. They have already led mass riots. Last year, four million students left their schools to protest climate change. Many poster signs at the strike read “if the climate was cool, we could be off from school.” Students in New York City were even granted excused absences from school. These protests obviously serve a dual purpose: to encourage lawmakers to stop global warming so that their snow days survive, and, more importantly, to miss school. Even if they fail to stop global warming and snow days become a thing of the past, monthly or even weekly climate strikes in the winter months are going to replace snow days.

We can’t let this radical group succeed. Join me and donate to the pro-coal lobbyist group here to protect the America we know and love, and to crush these winning snowflakes.   



A Proud American