At Apple’s headquarters in Silicon Valley, a simple match of chess is underway. Two teams face off, each composed entirely of white male tech billionaires. Team One features Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos. Team Two counters with Mark Zuckerberg and Tim Cook.
Musk, never one to miss an opportunity to brand himself, names his team “Ihatedon4Xhiik7,” insisting quite firmly that he is the richest person in the room. Not Donald Trump. Him. Meanwhile on Team Two, Mark Zuckerberg took the initiative and chose the name Moderation Nation. Zuckerberg said, “moderation truly represents my team’s values and the strategy we will take in this match.”
The players gather around a large plastic black conference table made to appear as real marble, carefully selected by Ms. Lauren Bezos, because even in Silicon Valley someone must make the room look intimidatingly minimalist. Surrounding the table are four faux leather chairs with an oversized gold-plated painting bearing the expression “Live, Laugh Love.” On the floor of the room lies a life-sized plastic chess board. There was a biodegradable option for the extra cost of five dollars but being sustainable is SO 2012. Lauren intently shared that she “took inspiration from Dr. Evil from Austin Powers when designing the space.” When we asked the significance of this decision, she said: “Well that is who Jeff’s biggest role model is.”
Before the first move, they each place modest bets, just enough to ensure the match feels thrilling, even if the stakes are pocket change by their standards. Elon Musk bets three SpaceX rocket ships valued at the small price of 4.5 trillion dollars. He told us, “Do not worry, I have rockets to spare. I can have one made in less than 12 hours for my monthly playdate with Vladimir.” Bezos bet Venice, Italy. After a series of conversations with Venetian officials, he now owns it. Even the referee Bill Gates placed a bet. He will email the winner the unredacted Epstein files. Gates said, “I would want to read something where my name is credited.”
Then the match began. The billionaires focused intensely on strategy, but observers quickly noticed something unusual about the chess pieces. Instead of traditional pawns, the board was filled with what Musk described as “representations of the modern workforce.”
Team Moderation first moved their knight, a teenager named Jake who spends 24 hours a week scrolling Instagram Reels. Zuckerberg argued, “he is considered part of the workforce not just because his data is being analyzed, but also due to his dedication to supporting small business content on the app.” However, when we questioned Jake about his general feed, he said it mostly consists of AI videos of Elmo fighting Mike Tyson in front of the White House.
Team “Ihatedon4Xhiik7” then made a safer move by advancing their rook, an Amazon delivery driver named Nick who has developed scoliosis after delivering approximately 7,000 trampolines during the holiday rush. He now faces immense pain when moving and told us “it hurts to walk but I need to be paid.” After seeing Nick in his critical condition, Bezos decided to give him a pep talk. He did not appreciate Nick’s pessimistic attitude and reminded him that chess was a team sport. “We prefer the term ‘posture adaptive workforce member,’” said Bezos.
Then Team Moderation made a bold move and shifted their king, a child miner from Tanzania. He has the minor responsibility of extracting the rare earth materials used in the microchips inside Jack’s iPhone. They do not know his name, but they do know he is around the age of eleven and is missing two fingers. Cook said, “we decided to make him king to make it more enjoyable for him.” And honestly what is more enjoyable than being taken from your home in the middle of the night and brought to a foreign country where the language sounds like jovial music? But it is okay. Do not fret. You get to wear a paper crown made by your new teammates, the men who lovingly took you from your bed.
The match is still happening after six hours. Musk has reportedly attempted to replace one of his pawns with a Tesla robot, while Bezos is negotiating with the teenager pawn to deliver two-day shipping across the board. Industry analysts say the match could last several more hours, or until one of the billionaires loses interest and decides to buy the board and the pawns. After all, in Silicon Valley chess, the pawns are always the first to go.
