Introducing the long awaited, underdog candidate, dark horse for least favorite policy of Radnor High School’s 2025-2026 school year. The profound genius and deception that has been utilized by the administration to cover up their machinations is simply awe-inspiring. It is a masterstroke of political science that even Machiavelli would be proud of. With graceful decoys, the school administration delivered it’s gambit. While they distracted students with insignificant phone policies and DoorDash restrictions—check— the silent engines of a deeper ploy occurred as they effortlessly moved their pieces across the board. On some unspecified night over the summer, every single digital clock in the school was replaced with an analog clock—Checkmate.
Or at least that’s what 23 year old super senior Surtis Gliwa said.
While this issue only effects at maximum 3 students, there’s always a silly politician who fearmongers and pretends to care.
Surtis Gliwa has responded to this crisis of the few, albeit with questionable rhetoric. He recently harassed the PTO with one singular question at a recent meeting.
“Do you recognize digital clocks’ right to exist?”
And repeatedly, he was met with the same response:
“This is a meeting about school affordability. I appreciate your concern but there are more important things to deliberate on.”
He responded with tact eloquence.
“AS SOME OF YOU MAY KNOW, I was stabbed six times using the minute hand of an analog clock in 1841, in the back of a Bluebird school bus. I proceeded to then bludgeon my attacker in the head seven times with the hour hand. He may have been a middle schooler.”
“Ummm wow.”
Perhaps it is Surtis Gliwa’s eccentric nature and use of student language that makes him so appealing to a whopping 0.3% of Radnor’s student population. Or perhaps it is his experience, so extravagant that it makes you wonder; did the minute hand ever end up in his brain?
Alas, as he would say,
“You glaze me too much.”
His nature also attracted the support of a dying Radnor newspaper just begging to be relevant again, the New Radnor Post. Here are some of the headlines the paper put out, absolutely thrashing his enemies:
“Anti-Digital school candidate will enforce analog law upon students, how do I know, I read it on WhatsApp.”
“While anti-Digital candidate will make life exponentially better, HE CAN READ AN ANALOG CLOCK. Radnor has truly fallen”
I would ask the New Radnor Post’s readers about it, but all three of them were born in 1944 and would probably die on the spot if they saw the undocumented analog clock on my wrist. I asked Surtis about it, and he responded with an insightful answer full of information and advice that would help the school community.
“I was actually kidnapped by the RALA cult in 2023 after the state championship and they beat me to near death with gears of a clock.”
“Well. All roads lead to Rome. Or in your case, unnecessary, potentially made up violence.”
