RHS Discourages Juniors from Parking on Campus by Saying: “Hey man, that’s not cool.”


Sarah Tachau

After numerous failed attempts at intimidating the juniors from parking on campus, the RHS administration was near defeat– until last Thursday at an emergency school board meeting, when a faculty member commented, “Why don’t we just say, ‘hey man, that’s not cool.’” The wood-paneled room went dead silent. An idea never before considered by the administration. “We had tried everything, from carefully constructing a well-written three paragraph persuasive essay for the daily schedule posts, to highlighting a sentence in that essay,” commented a shocked administrator. Radnor police present at the meeting raved over the groundbreaking idea, “It’s the same foolproof tactic we use for anti-vaping campaigns. I don’t know why we’ve never considered applying this strategy to parking before.” The Tommy’s Towing truck was supposed to scare the juniors off campus after Monday, October 24th, but this myth led to disappointment, “It’s like when my parents told me the tooth fairy isn’t real,” said one junior who had been parking in the faculty lot since November in hope that he’d bait the Tommy’s Towing truck out of hiding. 

This new tactic was used on a group of juniors on Monday; since then, the Junior Lot has been near-spotless every day. As a district psychologist explained, “What these kids want isn’t a $75 parking pass, it’s a sense of validation.” She chimed in that if anybody spots a junior walking to their 2022 Range Rover at 3:10, they should first give them a hug, then a concerned look up and down before saying the line: “Hey man, that’s not cool.”


Listed below are additional methods that were carefully considered, but ultimately thrown out:

Converting all the student spots into parallels

  • Pro: Juniors can’t park in parallels
  • Con: Neither can I

Checking if cars have a parking pass

  • Pro: $75 a pass = profit
  • Con: Involves walking from main office to Junior Lot once a day

Slashing tires

  • Pro: Probably the most effective method
  • Con: Expensive lawsuit

Rewriting the “friendly reminder” in a different language every day

  • Pro: People would read it, or attempt to
  • Con: Administration doesn’t know enough languages

A priceless solution with a 100% success rate, RHS has outdone itself this time in the world of protecting parking privileges.