It’s that time of year again. After a tough fall and an even worse winter, Radnor students cannot get rid of the ongoing illnesses spreading throughout the school. Just this week, 97% of the student body had a mysterious cough. One student described the sicknesses as “the second Black Plague.” When asked to elaborate, the student could barely form a sentence without choking midway on his cough. “I’ve had whatever this thing is for a month. And not to mention I also had it in December, January, and February too,” the student replied. As the student body hacks away, one complaint remains the same, “I wish I could have a say in what infectious bacteria my immune system surrenders to next.” Now, thanks to technology more effective than this year’s flu vaccine, you have the ability to choose. Take a look at some of the options below:

1. Pink Eye 

Pros: 

• You can walk the hallways clear of traffic since people fear you
• Valid excuse of why you couldn’t copy down the notes on the board 
• You can wear a cool pirate eye-patch 

Cons: 

• You look like you just cried for 48 hours over that physics test  
• You run into the art show stands a few too many times because you can’t see 

2. Whooping Cough 

Pros: 

• Your voice sounds like Miley Cyrus 
• You can mimic the sound of a lawn mower starting to impress your friends at lunch 

Cons: 

• Everyone glares at you when you cough during class reading time 
• You can’t efficiently get your point out in your roundtable discussions/socratic seminars

3. Lice

Pros:

• The lice shampoo smells like heaven
• Free head massage

Cons:

• Not offered to those with buzzcuts (sorry RALA)
• What are you, five years old?

4. COVID 

Pros: 

• Ultimate 2020 nostalgia– feel free to add whipped coffee and TikTok dances to your experience 
• You don’t have to Zoom in anymore and awkwardly answer questions while your classmates stare at your face on the smartboard 
• The bacteria looks sick 
• No more FOMO if you’ve never had it

Cons: 

• Flu knockoff 
• Mask acne. 

5. Flu 

Pros: 

• You can achieve the trending Tik Tok makeup look of a red nose and eye bags without even trying 
• Your gym teacher doesn’t make you play dodgeball because you sound like a dying mess 

Cons: 

• Your nose is so clogged that you sound like a snobby rich girl from the Upper East Side
• It’s a little embarrassing that your flu shot didn’t work