ISIS Relegated to Second-Rate Extremist Group Thanks to US Domestic Terrorists


Andrew Rosin, The Radish Editor

The attempted kidnapping of Michigan governor Gretchen Whitmer was the final straw for the Islamic State, who conceded on Monday that they could no longer compete with American domestic terrorist threats. “It’s been a humbling experience,” reflected ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi, adding that “this day was not entirely unexpected but stings nonetheless.”  Al-Qurashi refers to the rise in prominence of American militant groups, whose recent growth has caused ISIS to take a back seat on the world stage of terror. “I think what we see here is a textbook case of American exceptionalism,”  Al-Qurashi philosophized, “the Americans couldn’t defeat our terrorist networks, so to spoil all of the fun, they built dangerous, highly volatile extremist cells of their own.” 

At their stronghold in Syria, members of the caliphate claimed that they read the Department of Homeland Security’s report on far-right extremists in America “at least three, maybe even more” times. “I couldn’t believe it at first, if I’m being honest,” one ISIS member reported, “the speed at which these militant groups have grown and the threat they pose to western civilization…I’m a little nostalgic for the days when it was ISIS spreading terror throughout the world.”

Al-Qurashi said that while he experienced both disbelief and awe upon learning of domestic terrorism in America, he was jealous more than anything. “Picture this: there’s a peaceful protest in the USA. In a city, at a government building, all of the best locations. You arrive with your full arsenal of guns, ammunition, explosives, mail-bombs, suicide bombers, the whole shebang. And you know what? Nobody would raise an eyebrow. You could incite a riot, turn the whole protest violent in an instant and go virtually unpunished. Everyone would blame it on ANTIFA or the democrats. You are so loud, yet so silent. So powerful and evil, yet you strike with impunity. It is a genius strategy and, in my opinion, should be replicated by terrorist cells throughout the world.” According to Al-Quarishi, ANTIFA, by traditional standards, “fails to reach the caliber of even the most pathetic terrorist organizations.” 

It was a sore spot for many ISIS members that President Trump refused to denounce white supremacy on national television. “Where does the indulgence end? At some point you have to say enough is enough,” one exasperated terrorist commented. Many jihadists complained that it clearly presented an unlevel playing field to have the president instruct terrorists to “stand by” and thought that President Trump could have at least had the decency to pretend to oppose domestic terrorism. “While I really do respect the American extremists, I agree with my Middle Eastern countrymen on this one. I mean, c’mon, this is objectively unfair,” Al-Qurashi said in response to President Trump’s comments. 

Despite the obvious disappointment of losing the title of most notorious terrorist network in the world, ISIS members do find consolation in the fact that domestic terrorists use Twitter and Facebook to recruit members and efficiently spread their rhetoric. “I take a small amount of pride in knowing that these American extremists have followed our example in employing social media to advance their cause. Some of these American terrorists have hundreds of thousands of followers on Twitter and Facebook. The simple fact is that’s hard to compete with. It’s a blessing to know that our social networking and intensive public relations efforts provided the foundation for more modern terrorism, but also a shame that it contributed to our downfall,” ISIS’ social media manager wrote in a statement on the official ISIS Facebook page. The ISIS PR team has reported in recent months that the growth of the Proud Boys and Patriot Prayer’s Facebook pages have clearly outpaced that of the ISIS page, as these far-right extremists built impressive followings and skillfully evaded getting banned. Al-Qurashi added, “In Syria, we have a saying that goes, ‘المحارب المقدس الوحيد الأكثر خطورة من بن لادن هو مارك .زوكربيرج’ The only holy warrior more dangerous than Bin Laden is Mark Zuckerberg.”

In America, Proud Boy leader Enrique Tarrio sympathizes with ISIS. “We are very fortunate here in America that our hate speech is protected by the First Amendment and our right to carry assault weapons by the Second. America is the perfect breeding ground for covert terrorism. In the Middle East, we would have been bombed, invaded, bombed some more for good measure, and then detained and tortured indefinitely, even if we weren’t terrorists,” Tarrio explained. Says Al-Qurashi, “I think it’s time we hang up our suicide bomb vests, sit back, and wait to see how long it takes for America to realize that it’s being overrun by violent militant groups operating under the guise of freedom.”